My last post displayed my thoughts on Divergent by Veronica Roth, but I didn't to show how I would improve the book.
I think imagery specifically needs to be improved. It was sometimes hard to grasp the words on the page. If I were to change anything about the book, it would be the diction and syntax choices.
The quote I chose to show in my last post was:
"I approach one of the fallen guards and take his gun, keeping my eyes away from the injury that killed him. My head pounds. I haven't eaten; I haven't slept; I haven't sobbed or screamed or even paused for a moment. I bit my lip and push myself toward the elevators on the right side of the room. Level eight." (Roth 470)
These are my improvements of the above paragraph.
the first sentence:
I keep my focus on the gun; the splotchy, brown-red patch stamped on the motionless guard in my peripheral.
The key (in my opinion, of course) is to go into detail about a particular object. It could be the gun, the guard, ect. I focused on the injury.
Second sentence:
My heartbeat is coming from my skull. Sleep-deprived. Sleep. I need sleep, and maybe something to put in my vacant stomach.
I improved this sentence by varying the lengths of the sentences (syntax). "Maybe" is an understatement (figurative language)
Third sentence:
Wearily, I wonder to the elevator, biting my lip. I press '8' with a shaky finger.
I wanted the reader to understand the shock Tris was in after the event that had just happened, which wasn't really included in the original.
No comments:
Post a Comment